The Scottish Cup Cavalcade!

Back in the day when an Aberdeen appearance in a Scottish Cup final was a reasonably regular occurrence, the prospect of playing some lower Division canon-fodder was generally greeted in the same manner that the owner of an abattoir welcomes another delivery of mangy cows and sheep to his premises. We'd hack and slice our way through our hapless opponents in a determined, if not always pretty fashion, to emerge victorious and quite often blood stained at the end of it all. Yes, football was a man's game in them days...

But oh, how the ravages of time have made a seemingly innocuous game against a team that's fourth from the bottom of the First division the sort of affair that would have you watching the highlights from behind the sofa through the fingers of your hands, your buttocks clenched so tight that not even the most perfectly formed gaseous excretions could get out, and cramp sets in after the first five minutes.

I realise I am being rather hard on my beloved AFC of late (ref: our previous posting), but fuck it, I feel like a right spanner walking around IKEA on a Saturday morning in my replica top being pointed and laughed at by small children; the parents are generally not much better either. Things have got to change, starting tomorrow. So, back the meat wagon up against the doorway at Stark's Park and herd those Raith Rovers players into the whirling knives of our killer attack.

Oh, there are some other games on as well, by the way.

Raith v Aberdeen
It's sort of unfair to make vast expansive head-to-head comparisons between these two teams, seeing as they spend as much time in the same division as an average Portsmouth FC owner spends in the boardroom at Fratton Park. The last time Raith and Aberdeen where in the same division was 1997, and a draw aside, Aberdeen won every one of those games. Three days aside, Raith spent their entire season at the bottom of the SPL, where relegated at the end of it all and spent the intervening years bouncing between Divisions One and Two. The season they're slowly sinking to the bottom again, but they should be safe as long as Ayr and Airdrie continue on their miserable run of form.

Can you see the point I'm trying to make here? Raith are not very good. True, Aberdeen are not much better this season, but they are better than Raith. We should win. We must win. We must make sure there's no dancing on the streets of Raith.

Dundee v Ayr
Dundee's wheels appearing to be coming of the wagon. They once led the First division by around 3 trillion points, but somehow they've managed to throw it all away to the point where, if Ross County win the three games they have in hand, they could actually overtake Dundee at the top of the table. Now, there's many a team and supporter out there who would prefer to have Dundee in the SPL rather than Ross County. I can already hear all those soft southern nancy boys (i.e., everywhere south of Dundee) moaning about having to get an upgrade on their Tom-Toms to even find where the hell Dingwall is, let alone drive all the way up there.

But I digress. Dundee should win this one. Ayr notched up only their second win of the season back at the start of December, and then promptly lost the next two, admittedly to both Dundee and Ross County, so we can forgive them that one.

Hibernian v Montrose
Carefull now Hibs fans! Montrose are on a roll! They finally, finally, finally won their first game of the season last week when they abso-fucking-lutely trounced promotion chasing Berwick Rangers by 2 goals to nil - and away from home as well. They're now only six points behind Elgin City, and there's nothing that'll get the motivation going to overhaul that difference than a repeat of the Berwick game against Hibernian. A word of caution however: the last time these two teams met, Hibs ran out 9-0 winners, needing only half an hour to race into a 4-0 lead...

Kilmarnock v Inverness CT
Two teams on the up. Kilmarnock won their first SPL game for Jimmy Calderwood when they beat Tony Mowbray's All-Star XI. Inverness are pushing for promotion themselves now, having won two league games on the bounce and with that excellent win over Motherwell in a previous round to earn them this fixture against another SPL side.

Ross County v Stirling
Division One challengers Ross County take on another team that's battling hard for promotion, as well as survival. Albion are in trouble once again, facing another final demand from the council for unpaid rent arrears. The club is confident that it'll get paid, but in the meantime the stress and anxiety it must be causing is not what you need. As for Ross County, this fixture is probably a distraction, something to take their focus away from a league campaign that is going very well for the Staggies. Ross County welcome back Andy Barrowman after his adventures in Inverness failed to live up to promise; his 24 league goals went a long way towards helping Ross County win promotion from the Second division at the end of season 2007/08.

St Johnstone v Dundee Utd
An all SPL tie, one of three in this round. United will be hoping to avenge their exit from the League Cup earlier this season at the hands of St Johnstone. United's season took a wee tumble in that 3-3 draw with Derek McInnes' men two weeks ago (and the 4-4 against Killie which followed didn't help much either..), so there's a lot to play for here. And if things get sticky, United caretaker-manager Peter Houston can always turn to a spot of basketball.

St Mirren v Rangers
The day kicks off in Paisley, as St Mirren take a step closer to another Cup final this season. Having already booked their place in the League Cup final against Rangers, Gus McPherson and his band of merry men must now overcome the team they'll be playing on the 21st March - Rangers. For Rangers, the incentive to win this game is the possibility of a domestic treble, still very much alive with their lead at the top of the SPL remaining a sturdy 10-points thanks to Celtic's defeat in mid-week. Smith has been pointing out this week that the club still has tremendous troubles, financially, and that the future does not look orange at all down in Govan, but fuck sake, look around you mate: you've got the all-time top SPL striker playing for your team, you've got a lovely fancy stadium, one of only 2 in Scotland according to the now outdated FIFA-star rating, you're 10 points clear at the top of the table and you're in one final already this season. Jings, and we thought Jim Jefferies was a moaner.

So, here is how we see it going tomorrow:

Dundee 2-0 Ayr
Hibernian 6-0 Montrose
Kilmarnock 1-0 Inverness
Raith 1-3 Aberdeen
Ross County 1-0 Stirling
St Johnstone 1-2 Dundee United
St Mirren 0-2 Rangers

No Cupsets, sadly, but you never can tell. Enjoy the games!