And we're off!

Well, almost.

Yes, time to put away the bucket and spades, the After Sun, sombrero and sangria. Send mother up the stairs with the stepladder to fetch to scarves, rosettes and rattles down from yon attic. Polish the kids, straighten the flat caps and send faither off with the weans (or loons, depending on where you're from) to the stadium with enough money for the tram, a match day programme, a pint and a fish supper for on the way home. It's late July, it's 3pm, it's Saturday. It can only mean one thing: the return of FITBA!

Mind you, the days of 3pm kick-offs are long gone of course. Nooadays kick-off can vary enormously depending on the TV station lucky, uhur, enough to buy the rights to show the escapades of our fine young men. And David Weir.

This year, BBC Alba continues where no minority-language television station has gone before with it's fine coverage of the roundball game, all presented in glorious techn-O-colour and commentated upon by a man who sounds like he's working his way through a bowl of Weetabix whilst reading out his tax returns.

But kudos to BBC Alba for buying into the whole football thing, still a rarity for viewers calling in from the 018518 locality who are probably quite happy to see something on their telebhisean other than shinty, films about fishing and OMG reality TV shows.

But don’t tell Ruairidh and Mairead about the Old Firm, because the last thing we'd want to do is give our island cousins the impression that mainland football is not in the least bit competitive because they might stop watching.

Why? Well, because up in the Highlands they know a bit about lack of competition. Check this: giants of the shinty (a kind of hockey but with bigger sticks) world Kingussie are the most successful sporting team of all time, winning 20 consecutive leagues and even going 4 years unbeaten at one stage in the early 1990s!!11

Now that's what I call League domination!

I did look, but I can't find any stories from club chairmen or enraged fans of other clubs demanding Kingussie's immediate resignation and banishment (should that be 'clearances'?) to the lower reaches of the football leagues. Like Zander Diamond.

So yes, Geama slàn bho Prìomh Lìog na h-Alba and all that, which may mean "The latest full-match coverage from the SPL". I'm not sure because Google Translate thinks it's Turkish (LOL) and my knowledge of Gaelic only extends to the first three pages of my "Speaking our Language" textbook (the result of a language course I followed because I had a massive teen crush on Rhoda MacDonald, the sexy Weetabix munching minx, but that aside).

So while I can say "I work in an office in Aberdeen. I am very tired" and "On Saturday, Eric Black's goal won the Cup for the Dons", perhaps someone can coax Ms MacDonald out of retirement to help out with more useful phrases like "you dirty Hun bastard" and "so, not a 10-team SPL after all? What a surprise".

Anyway, the opening day of a new season is always very exciting. If you're the Champions that is. You get to engage in a spot of triumphalism and two-fingered-waving to half the stadium and the rest of the league as you unfurl the Champions flag in front of the home support before getting down to the (not always) hard work of winning the league. For the umpteenth time (see: Kingussie).

More details to follow, but in short summary:

Rangers get started in the early kick-off against Hearts in what will be Ally McCoist's first league game in charge of his beloved Rangers. The pre-season has been a bit of damp squib for the Gers, what with them not winning a single game in Germany and all that, but as anyone who has played Football Manager will tell you, the pre-season is a bit of a laugh, a change to rack up the air miles and see parts of Europe that you'll probably never see again for at least a year.

You are a Scottish football fan after all, and Scottish football and Europe just don’t mix, right?

Hearts have got their annual self-destruction routine off to to an early start (even for them) but expectation is high (read: my expectation is high) that they'll split the Old Firm this season. They'll get a chance to show their mettle - whatever that is - on Saturday afternoon.

Aberdeen and St Johnstone do battle at Pittodrie, both sides hoping to improve on last year’s standings. St Johnstone have done well to hang on to Derk McInnes, linked with moves to London giants Brentford earlier on. The Dons start their first full season with Craig Brown behind the Zimmer frame controls. The Dons have strengthened over the summer, particularly in midfield, but Brown is still looking for a backup keeper to Colombian David Gonzalez, brought in on loan from Manchester City, while Jamie Langfield recovers from a seizure.

Inverness Caley travel down to Motherwell, while Sunday’s fixtures see Hibernian (still with Colin Calderwood in charge. For now) welcome Celtic to Easter Road. Kilmarnock, where Kenny Shiels takes charge for his first full season at Scotland’s oldest professional football club, will be looking to continue the form from last season that saw them surprise everyone when they take on Dundee United in the afternoon kickoff.

Finally, Monday evening sees the glamour tie as Dunfermline welcome St Mirren (that't the team with the vertical stripes for those watching in black and white) in what will no doubt be seen as the first round in this year’s battle for survival.