'Tis the season to be jolly ..

.. or more importantly, t'is the season to be nice towards referees, nice to people of all religions and time to stop worrying about the money because, well, frankly there isn't too much of that around these days. Unless you're a referee that is ...

Yes, pissed-off referees, bigotry and financially stricken clubs - it can surely mean only one thing: a new season of Scottish football.

It's been a while since last we wrote anything on these pages, but having been asked to do a wee preview for Aberdeen FC's foray into the new season for Scotzine I just thought, fuck it, I'm here anyway behind the keyboard, why not just take this opportunity to let you all know exactly what I think is going to happen this season.

Just because I can.

These three truths I hold to be self evident: Celtic will win the league, St Mirren will get relegated and Ally McCoist will have to make do with a Cup of some sort. Feel free to disagree, but your comments more than likely won't appear on these pages.

On the fringes of accepted fact I feel reasonably confident handing over my ₤5 at the bookies that Aberdeen won't finish in the top six, that Colin Calderwood won't last until the winter break at Hibs (and I'm not the only one to think this) and that Kilmarnock's season won't be anywhere near as good as last. Motherwell will finish somewhere in the middle of the top half of the table, but will no doubt be fined (again) for the atrocious state of their pitch.

Mind you, they're looking for someone with "an eye for detail, who is resilient, assertive, flexible and able to work under pressure". In other words, someone who can tell the difference between a field of grass and a Battle of the Somme reenactment. Think this is you? Get your CV in the post now.

The whole concept of "respect for referees" is going to be another complete shiter, just like it was last season. Respect for referees will last for as long as it takes one of our men in black to either (a) bottle it in a game featuring at least one half of the Old Firm or (b) receive threats following a game featuring both halves of the Old Firm. Look, no one said it's easy being a referee but it does help if you don't go around offending religious minorities because they'll only go and demand your immediate resignation, the humorless ingrates.

All of that says as much for the standards of our referees as it does for the standards of common decency in certain circles of Scottish society, but enough ground has been covered there already. Look, worry not, because as we speak the Scottish Parliament are all over this getting their law on. Clear? Then let's move on.

Speaking of common decency, Hearts have dumped their dangerous lunatic. No, not this one, the other one.

Lastly, I dont care about St Johnstone, Dunfermline or Dundee United enough to bother predicting anything other than dismal failure, but predicting the final outcome in a two horse race is always akin to shooting fish in a barrel.

You just can't go wrong.