A pie, a pee and prices: next season in the First Division

SOME fans of the so-called established first division clubs will be looking back at the SPL season just past as one of missed opportunity. Had wee Jimmy not managed to pull off that inspired last match 0-0 draw, we could have been looking forward to the opportunity to sample one of the famous Killie pies twice in a season, which is more than enough reason for rejoicing.

Our delight would no doubt have been doubled as the Self Preservation League scrambled to reorganise and manufacture a position where one of its chosen few could be readmitted as soon as possible under a post-McLeish flag of convenience. A chance for one or two of the less fashionable teams to be suddenly mixing with the big boys. A “fairytale” (© Chick Young) perhaps?

Instead, the seven survivors from last season’s fixtures now know that they are faced with three new venues where, despite a helpful geographic distribution, the contrast could not be starker.

In pastry savoury terms, Falkirk are the shop-bought pork pie of the bunch, with a smart new out of town stadium, clean loos with paper towels and running water and most likely, prices to match. It’s a soulless and sterile way to watch football however, with convenient motorway links and acres of car parking around the stadium doing little to make the blood pump in the walk up to the turnstile.

At least the Falkirk Stadium has a degree of bluster about it, with an oversized main stand presenting a pugnacious front to anyone who doubts how big and important this club is. Fair play to them for having that swagger in these days of design/build self assembly at St Mirren Park or the Tulloch Stadium, to name but two. At worst a trip to the Falkirk Stadium will be a quick in and out, back (for most of us) to our home territory before you can say M876 or the Forth Road Bridge.

Stirling Albion’s Forthbank on the other hand, hides apologetically at the edge of town, in a loop on the river, behind a business park, crouching at the rear of the new high school, like a dog that has just been caught eating the Bell’s steak pie that was to be tonight’s tea. Signs direct you from the huge roundabout at the end of the M80, the real bit of Stirling within sight but tantalisingly out of reach as the retail park hoves into view. There is no clear sight of the stadium until, well, until you are twenty yards from it, when the trees part and there it is.

It’s a council owned box, worse than Broadwood or New Broomfield, with no pubs or railway station within miles. At least it is modern, but the catering facilities leave a lot to be desired, their sole redeeming feature being the prices (think Lidl sausage roll compared to Morrisons and you are on the right lines). The best tip is to head past the stadium to Stirling County Cricket Club. It’s another modern box, this time a bit more appealing, which has a smart wee lounge that serves beer and soup on matchdays and welcomes fans of all persuasion.

Central Park is uncharted territory for me. It’s in an old fashioned town centre location and ticks all the boxes in terms of rail links, pubs and shops all within five minutes walk of the stadium.

If the rumours are to be believed this season is the first time that Partick Thistle and Cowdenbeath will be in the same division since 1934. A friend who attended the recent top of the table game with Stirling Albion confirms that much of the infrastructure may be the same, save for the Coo’shed roof which blew away in a storm in the 1980s.

Traditionalists among us harbour the hope that a trip back in time will instantly carry us to the days of terracing banter, empty ginger bottles rolling down the steps and the cries of vendors hawking contraband macaroon bars. No such luck.

The truth is that a trip to Cowdenbeath is guaranteed to be the worst away day of 2010/11. It will be cheap, but as we all know, the satisfaction of a low price recedes as the overflowing urinal washes the soles of your shoes and threatens to dampen your socks.

From reports of the play-off games, it may also be a dangerous outing. Fans with laptops have been telling tales of flag burning, bus stoning and bleeding heads, whilst photos of the game at Glebe Park show Tayside’s finest revelling in the joy of at last, having some real strong arm work to do, following years of fruitless frisking outside Dens Park. I suspect that away supporters’ buses will sweep through Cowdenbeath in convoy, like non-union mineworkers in 1984 and will wheech away at the same pace afterwards.

That’s all a bit of a shame. It’s like stumbling on a small home bakery in the back streets of a less fashionable part of town, which harbours the promise of a cheap, crisp and delightful Abernethy biscuit. Instead it turns out to be a sugary mess that crumbles and sticks to the roof of your mouth. No wonder Greggs is sweeping aside all competition.

There’s a serious message (seriously!) in there for all second string football clubs in terms of price, taste and convenience. The experience has to be right and at the moment, every single club misses out in some or other important factor, whether it’s expensive beer in the club bar, over-zealous stewarding or having basic decent facilities in which to have a pee. It would be a good start if some of the basic problems could be addressed and rectified before moving on to the more difficult stuff.

Oh and the pies need to be good.