Sorry.
It's a headline designed to get you to click on this link where the only bit of useful info you'll get is the possibility of Hull striker Jimmy Bullard joining up with Celtic on a loan deal, and thus becoming quite possibly the ugliest footballer in Scotland since Davie Dodds.
Yep, it's midweek and there's really nothing much going on in the world of Scottish footie.
I could tell you about the ongoing saga at Glasgow Rangers. I won't use the term 'veteran' to describe the positively sprightly David Weir (he's the same age as me after all, and I wish I looked as good 10 years ago as he does now), but the ever-youthful defender insists he's going to keep playing if manager Smith remains at Ibrox.
And if Smith decided to walk off into the sunset, well, fuck it, he's going to join him. I dunno, 40 seems like a good age to call it quits don't you reckon? The last thing we need is the likes of Weir clogging about the place and keeping back the hordes of talented youngsters coming up at Ibrox.
Mind you, if letting David Weir stay on is required because there are no players coming through the academy, then Rangers must be in deeper shit than at first thought. And Rangers are in deep shit.
Continuing the Walter Smith love-in is the ever popular Nacho Novo, who reckons Walter Smith should be knighted for services to football in the south side of Glasgow. Novo gushes "The gaffer should be knighted after what he has done for this club. When he took over, Rangers were in a terrible state".
Good to see progress has been made then. The knighthood is surely in the post.
Meanwhile, Andrew Ellis and Alastair Johnson are engaging in a war of words about the takeover of the club which may, or may not, ever happen. Like two rutting walruses, the prospective owner and the current chairman are doing as much as is possible to scupper the deal.
Ellis wont commit (apparently, in the ten weeks since he's announced his interest, he's not even been to Ibrox to talk to anyone yet) and Johnson is becoming more sceptical by the day, especially after flying all the way over from the US of A to for a chance to speak to Ellis. As it turns out, Johnson was left hanging around like a Stornoway hooker on the sabbath, and relations have been frosty ever since.
Speaking of ageing, we're not quite done with Celtic. Aside from the Elephant Man, Lennon is also keen to sign another player from Englandshire, namely Arsenal and England defender Sulzeer Jeremiah "Sol" Campbell. The backup to the backup central defender at Arsenal made 11 appearances at the Emirates last season, clearly the sort of form that earns the 35-year old an extension to his current contract. Possibly.
"Scottish football is such an incestuous affair, they'd make Josef Fritzl positively purple in righteous indignation."
Seizing on the chance of Mr Campbell never getting another game for Arsenal in the coming months, Lennon (well, the club, I don't know just how much Lennon has to do with transfer dealings thenow) the Bhoys have been making enquiries about Campbell's availability.
Unfortunately, he's got an offer on the table from Arsenal for another year so we might not be seeing Sol warming the bench for Loovens and Naylor et al this year. Shame really, we could do with some glamour in the SPL now that Elvis has left the division (think about it...).
What else. Ah yes. Aberdeen sign someone. Rory McArdle, it says here. McArdle's Wikipedia entry is only 110 words long, so there's not much to go on. He's a defender, he played for recently promoted Rochdale, he's played for Northern Ireland at U21-level and he's scored at Wembley.
The point here really is not who he is, just that he is. At this stage I'd welcome anyone to Pittodrie if it means getting rid of the woeful Ifil. Mind you, I wonder why we have to sign more defenders. Our season was terrible right enough, but if we had a better midfield and at least two in the side that could score a goal (and who are not Charlie Mulgrew) things might be a lot better next year.
Aberdeen are still in the hunt for 39-goals-in-150-career-appearances scoring dynamo Kevin Kyle. As Scotzine reports, his wage demands - just over three grand - are within the Aberdeen budget, but it would mean not being able to spend money on anyone else this season.
Not that it matters that much: Kyle has apparently also received offers from two Greek clubs, meaning the only Doric Kyle will be hearing about are the pillars at the Temple of Hephaestus in Athens, and that Willie Miller may not be the only moustachioed twat Kyle will have to deal with in the coming weeks.
Lastly, Jim Duffy is at pains to point out that his resigning from Second Division side Brechin has nowt to do with the vacant managerial posts at St Mirren and/or Morton. Duffy is possibly still smarting from that pumping his team got at the hands of Cowdenbeath the other week and which keeps them in Division Two for another season where they'll no doubt get pumped by Livingston every eight weeks or so.
Well, if you can't move up the divisions through hard graft and a decent side, then just get a gig with an established SPL side; it worked for Steve Paterson after all.
Duffy's statement comes just after St Mirren played down reports of coaching staff receiving letters telling them not to worry, but a new manager might not want you, so you should be thinking about taking home as much stuff from the stationary cupboard while you still can. The Buddies lost a manager, a director and a top striker in the last few weeks, so understandably nerves are on edge down in Paisley.
Duffy might be regretting his decision. As I predicted in an article I didn't publish, Billy Stark is interested in the job, as are Derek Adams (in a great vote of confidence for Ross County's prospects next season) and Willy McStay, fresh from resigning from some Hungarian club in the misguided belief he's going to be part of the new Celtic managerial line-up.
Still, Scottish football is such an incestuous affair, they'd make Josef Fritzl positively purple in righteous indignation.
Here's how we see it going: Stark to St Mirren, Duffy to Morton, Adams to Scotland U21's, McStay to Brechin. Possibly.
Right. 1083 words, 973 more than you'll find in Rory McArdle's wiki entry. I'm not much of a defender, but I'm pretty good at writing a lot of shite though.
Where's my Wiki entry?
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