First off, congratulations go out to Forfar and Cowdenbeath, both of whom won their play-off games on Sunday. Forfar edged out local rivals Arbroath 2-0 with goals from Martyn Fotheringham and Bryan Deasley and thus return to the Second Division for the first time since 2007. Arbroath are relegated to Division Three.
All in all it's a remarkable turnaround for the Loons who finished bottom of the third only three years ago. I'm sure everyone at Station Park is hoping for a longer stay in Division Two than they've had in previous years. Since they dropped out of Division One at the end of season 91/92, the Loons have yo-yo'ed between Divisions Two and Three, including back to back promotion and relegation between 1995 and 1997.
Up a division, and Cowdenbeath beat Brechin 3-0 thanks to a brace from former Raith Rovers and Ayr United player Gareth Wardlaw; Joseph Mbu got the afternoon off to a flyer with a goal in the first fifteen minutes.
The win secures Cowdenbeath's second successive promotion and a return to Division One after nearly fourteen years of trying. Quite how long they'll be there remains to be seen - the club as in financial doo-doo (then again, who isn't these days), but at least the threatened takeover by East of Scotland winners Spartans seems off the agenda for now.
Club owners Alex and David Brewster have buckled to supporter pressure and committed the club to Central Park for the foreseeable future, but even though Spartans may well be denied their spot in Division One, supporters of the Blue Brazil should not rest on their laurels. In a statement released by the club, the owners say:
"There is still a critical need for the supporters, the community and other stakeholders to work together with us to ensure the survival of Cowdenbeath FC – and develop a sustainable community club relocated to a new facility which can serve the community for another 100 plus years. We will do what we can to assist but the onus is on the support and local community – it is your club".
And speaking of financial woes, the election of an all-blue (with some yellow bits) Tory government brings no welcome relief to Team Rangers, as the taxman sends them a bill for unpaid taxes on players wages that the club cleverly paid into offshore accounts, allegedly.
The amount owed comes to a ludicrous £24m, but depending on how far the club are going to pursue the claim this sum may rise to £50m (interest on the outstanding amount while the lawyers do their funky thang) and even £80m if Rangers' lawyers fail to get their law on and lose the appeal.
As you can well imagine it's all very complicated, and there's a lot of 'pass the parcel' going on at Edmiston Drive while the club decides who exactly is liable for the money.
The Byzantine nature of the whole Rangers-Murray International Holdings-Lloyds ownership structure being what it is, it'll take weeks to figure out quite on whose lap the final bill will fall once everyone has stopped playing musical chairs to the tune of "Simply The Best".
Oh, if only there was a German word for laughing at someone else’s misfortune.
There's talk of administration, fire sales, demotion to Division Three and so on. Most of us non-Rangers fans are having a right auld chuckle at this, but let's be honest: nothing is going to happen. It would be hard to imagine an SPL without Rangers, a situation that could be summed up with the expression "never bite the hands that feeds you".
But it's not all bad news: at least Alan McGregor is off the hook, assuming he was ever involved in the alleged sexual assault in the first place which may, or may not, have taken place. Scotzine gets legal on your ass. Unlike McGregor, quite possibly.
Staying with all-things complicated: thanks to Dundee United pumping Ross County on Saturday Motherwell get another shot at being a representative of Scottish football in Europe next season. Don't ask me how or why, but I suspect it's got something to do with United already qualifying because the won the Scottish Cup. Or something. Answers on a postcard please.
Craig Brown is positively ecstatic at the prospect of getting to see a bit more of Europe, even going so far as thinking that the prospect of first round exit at the hands of Barry Town is going to "strengthen his hand in the transfer market."
Hahahahahaha. Oh Craig, you are funny.
Mind you, The Steelmen did a lot better than our other mid-range offerings last season in Europe. Motherwell, than managed by Jim Gannon twice came back from behind to record tremendous victories against leviathans such as Llanelli and Flamurtari before being dumped 6-1 on aggregate by proper football team Steaua Bucharest (incidentally one of the seeded teams that Motherwell might face at this stage of the competition).
United, by the way, can also look forward to challenging fixtures. In amongst the line-up are teams such as big-spending Manchester City, Aston Villa, Borussia Dortmund and Porto.
Lastly, Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell has has "sincerely apologised" to supporters for an "unacceptable" season in a letter to season ticket holders.
And so he should.
After spending more on players than the rest of the SPL put together, you'd think they'd have done better than they did, especially as most of us had written Rangers off at the start of the season with all their problems.
"These changes did not deliver the success we hoped for and ultimately, this season has been unacceptable. For this, we sincerely apologise" - Celtic's Peter Lawwell
Two shock defeats, one rather late-in-the-day expensive loan signing and one managerial change later, the Hoops finished second in the league and had the distinct displeasure of watching Rangers win the league with three games to go. All in all, not a great season by Scottish football standards, but a tremendous laugh for the rest of us.
But never mind the rather impersonal letters. Personally, I think the Japanese get it right on the money when they have their chief-execs in the 'deep bow' position by means of apology whenever the sushi hits the fan.
We should do it in Scotland too.
At every stadium across the country, managers, players and chief-execs should be put on a large rotating stage and made to bow Japanese-style to the assembled hysterical masses.
Willie Miller. Bow! Mark McGhee. Bow! Jim Jefferies. Bow! Jimmy Calderwood. Bow! Kyle Lafferty. Bow! John Hughes. Bow! Gordon Smith. Bow! Steven Pressley. Bow! George Burley. Bow!
Hopefully that'll explain the picture at the top of this posting. Or not. I apologize.
{deep bow}
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